What I Learned This Summer
Warning: this is bound to be the lamest blog post I’ll ever write — or that you’ll ever read. And I know there to be some fierce competition for that title out there. But I’m having far too glorious a time of late to be bothered with things like reflecting or writing (except for assignments, of course). But it’s been a while, and my conscience is nagging at me. So I’m giving it a go. Proceed at your own risk…
Call it Summer School in Myadultland. The little lessons I’ve learned this past season. I may never draw upon this newfound wisdom, or perhaps I will. Either way, the learning was fun. And I am happy to share with you, gentle reader.
Have you seen my sunnies?
1. DO NOT: DRINK AND DIVE. Let me explain. Beach town of Westerly, RI with my cousin, her daughters (roughly my age), their young sons, etc. The beach is peppered with hairy men who look like the cast of the Sopranos, some of whom are looking at me, the only natural blonde in sight (in a bikini yet), with those porkchop eyes. I go into the ocean — some wine in me, but what the hell, I’m just rinsing off here — with my nephew-once-removed or however that works, who is 7. He demonstrates his expertise at jumping UP just as the waves break. So I’m going broaden the kid’s horizons and introduce him to diving UNDER the wave as it breaks. Of course I’m in my prescription Ray Ban Wayfarers, as I hadn’t planned on full immersion. With those Soprano guys on the shore, my one and only priority was to emerge from my wave diving with my top (and its contents) in place. Which I did magnificently the first two dives. The third one… well, the wave came rather fast and it was a biggie. I pulled off my Wayfarers rather hastily, thus didn’t have a very good grip. And when I went to do the mandatory bikini top adjustment before standing up and turning to face the shore… gone (the sunglasses that is, not the bikini top). The saddest part of this story is that it’s extremely unlikely anyone’s gonna benefit from my loss (a/k/a my stupidity). For though they were classic frames, the lenses are for someone who is ridiculously nearsighted. Oh well. Those glasses and I had a good 12 year run together. I always wanted aviators anyhow.
Tourists: Almost always in a good mood.
2. DO: SOMETHING UBER GEEKY-TOURISTY WHEREVER YOU LIVE: I myself visited — for the first time in my many years here in Frisco (yes, I said “Frisco”; deal) — THE CABLE CAR MUSEUM). Do it on a day whe there are lots of tourists there. Bask in their sense of privilege in being there at that place, at that time. Your city or town.
Flame & Citron: I hear it's good.
3. DO NOT: WASTE YOUR TIME OR MONEY GOING TO SEE A DANISH FILM ABOUT NAZIS WITH A SEXY UKRANIAN* WHO HAS A TENDENCY TO REST HIS HAND BETWEEN YOUR THIGHS. First of all, Danish movies about Nazis require an insane amount of steely focus and determination to sit through in the first place. But under the conditions I described, it’s impossible. Don’t misunderstand, I enjoyed the experience; I just can’t tell you the first thing about the movie.
…for that matter…
4. DO NOT: SEE A DANISH DOCUMENTARY ABOUT A TURN OF THE (20TH) CENTURY PAINTER. Unless you’re out of Tylenol PM. I shouldn’t even mention this one, but the above-mentioned Danish flick reminded me. It was at the Rhode Island International Film Festival, and my cousin was kind enough to let me do the choosing. The flick had a good description in the program guide — like this guy was the rock star in his artist colony of bohemians (I was expecting a time capsule of turn of the century debauchery). But no. This was straight-to-PBS fodder. THE GOOD NEWS is that the 9 minute doc on ANNIE LEIBOWITZ that followed was strong and tight and made me buy her book. Good editing is priceless.
5. DO: EAT SEA SALT + CHOCOLATE, SEA SALT + CARAMEL, SEA SALT+ CARAMEL + VANILLA ICE CREAM (I COULD GO ON — just get some sea salt and DIY) = MOTHER OF GOD MY MOUTH IS THE HAPPIEST PLACE ON EARTH!
5. DO: CUT YOUR HAIR. Seriously, nothing feels more like summer than a new short & sassy & maintenance-free coif. Whatever nevermind.
Eye on the prize, eye on the prize.
6. DO: CLIMB THE FACE OF A MOUNTAIN. Honestly, it’s hard and can be annoying, especially if you like your thrills fast and furious, like I do. Because there can be moments of great, frustrating stillness when climbing. But getting to the top is awesome! Even better: the after-party! Talk about a well-earned cocktail!
*DO NOT: let a sexy Ukranian — who happens to be a photographer — photograph you while you’re making breakfast. That’s how breakfast gets burned. (Photograph not suitable for publication here).
I told you it was lame.
